Monthly Archives: May 2012

Setback

Had another one of my ‘episodes’ yesterday, and not feeling great at all today.  I hate this, I absolutely hate it and am feeling so very down about it all.  This one was just 5.5 weeks after the last, whereas the previous 2 have been 6 and 7 weeks apart respectively.  The gaps are meant to be getting BIGGER not smaller 😦  I just don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, I live in terror that there is something awful wrong with me.

On a positive note though my episode *was* much milder than it’s been in the past.  I had some chest pain and then my fever-like chills followed an hour or two later by the sweat and heat that comes with a fever breaking.  My face feels slightly flushed today, chest still a bit sore and fingertips tingly but overall it’s much better than before.  No funny feelings in my head, no fogginess etc…so I guess Miggie might just know what she is doing after all.  **fingers crossed**…maybe I just need more time.

I am so over this.

*sigh*

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Adventure!

So apart from all my health drama that has been haunting me for the past year I have also needed to keep another secret under wraps since January – but it is finally out in the open.

My husband has been offered a job on the Isle of Man and we are seriously considering accepting the offer.

For me, this is huge.  I have been born and bred in a small town in Durban, South Africa and have known only this my whole life.  Of course I have on occasion traveled…I even did a 3 month au-pairing stint in Germany when I was fresh out of high school…but my parents still live in the house that I was in born into and my husband and I live just 20 km away.  Moving away from my parents and my sister will be a huge, huuuuuuuuuuge adjustment for all of us but I have really soul searched and I cannot come up with any other conclusion than that it is time for us to head out and see the world.

My husband is in a bit of a niche position at work and he has always said that should he ever lose his job for any reason (some of which truly cannot be predicted) he would really struggle to find employment in the same capacity.  In all probability he would take a huge pay cut and we would potentially need to move anyway…things would likely be a real struggle for us.  This job he has been offered is a much better position that would probably provide us much more stability in the long term, and of course the move itself would be supported and paid for.

We are heading over at the end of June to have a look and to see if we can picture ourselves living on the island.  We have spoken to loads of people and by all accounts it is a beautiful place, and really a wonderful place to live.  (apart from maybe the weather, as born and bred South Africans I do wonder what effect the perpetually bad weather will have on me and my kids!)

I broke the news to my parents and my sister last week and it was devastating, absolutely devastating.  I don’t know how on earth I am going to cope without them but yet at the same time this is just something that I might have to do for the new little family that my husband and I have created!  I am terrified that if we turned this opportunity down and he then got retrenched we would really be putting our kids through some tough times.  Also my husband has worked really hard at his job for years and years and this is really something that he deserves.  I do feel that as his wife I need to support him!

Despite everything else I have to say that I am really looking forward to our trip next month.  Regardless of what happens after it will be exciting to go and explore a new place, never mind going on holiday without my children for the first time ever (which I am by the TERRIFIED of, yet also certain it will do us all a world of good!) I am currently in the process of applying for my visa and **fingers crossed** if all goes smoothly we should be up, up and away within 37 days.  Eeeeeeeek!!!

Back to reality..

So happily I can report that I survived my 7 week detox, and am now back on a normal diet.  I do feel like we are making progress with my funny ‘episodes’ and they do seem to be abating although I am still very nervous to feel over confident just yet.  It’s a terrifying thing experiencing these episodes all the time…when they don’t happen you live in fear of them coming on again, and whilst they are happening it is very difficult indeed to not panic and think that there is something terribly wrong with you.

I am frankly still terrified that there actually is a deeper-seated problem but I am trying to comfort myself with the following facts:

*The episodes have either gotten *much* milder, or I have just gotten used to them – but when they began they were rather debilitating.  

*The episodes are slowly getting further and further apart.  When they first began (almost) a year ago I was experiencing a few episodes every day…eventually it was down to 1 every few days and now the last 2 that I experienced were 6 & 7 weeks apart respectively.  

*My ‘down’ time between episodes is much more pleasant now than it was before.  I really was totally out of control when it all began and how I held it together I’ll actually never know.  I’m just so very grateful.  

When I think how far I’ve come it really does help to reassure me that I am on the right track and getting better.  It’s been incredibly disheartening having to go through all of this without medical support or assistance but I guess when the symptoms are so difficult to describe it makes it tough on them too.  I am disillusioned though and simply feel as though they were all trying to fob me off and not even trying to help me find the root cause.  I suspect that mostly they just think I am a bit of a hypochondriac.  

Overwhelmingly I do now believe that I might still live to have a few good years on this earth whereas for a while last year I really GENUINELY believed that my number was up.

And now I am just so grateful for every day that I get to spend with my family, watching my kids grow up.