Our house is empty and we are camping out in it. As our house is open plan and tiled everything echoes and it’s driving me mad, but beyond that I am fine, I am carrying on and I am still deeply entrenched in denial.
My one very special friend came to visit this week-end all the way from Johannesburg. I haven’t seen her in a year and she came especially for my farewell. It was absolutely awesome to see her and I loved every minute, but yet I didn’t shed even one tear when we said goodbye. Realistically I don’t know when I will see her again…hopefully in August but really there is no way of knowing for sure. It would be years. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t sobbing my eyes out. Then it hit me.
I am numb.
It worries me because I know I should be feeling all these emotions – especially ME. I am usually so sappy and emotional and somehow for the past couple of months I have just been completely and utterly numb.
When we first decided to undertake this move I shed loads and loads of tears. I cried so hard I didn’t know if the deep well of tears inside me would ever stop. But somehow they did and I am left with this strange calmness. I am so steeped in denial and I wonder when it will all hit me – because even in my ostrich-headed stage I know a crash is inevitable. At some stage it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I have no idea how I will cope.
So for now I am numb. I am in the eye of the storm, and I hope that when the storm hits I will be able to survive the fallout.