Echo’s and things…

Our house is empty and we are camping out in it.  As our house is open plan and tiled everything echoes and it’s driving me mad, but beyond that I am fine, I am carrying on and I am still deeply entrenched in denial.

My one very special friend came to visit this week-end all the way from Johannesburg.  I haven’t seen her in a year and she came especially for my farewell.  It was absolutely awesome to see her and I loved every minute, but yet I didn’t shed even one tear when we said goodbye.  Realistically I don’t know when I will see her again…hopefully in August but really there is no way of knowing for sure.  It would be years.  I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t sobbing my eyes out. Then it hit me.

I am numb.

It worries me because I know I should be feeling all these emotions – especially ME.  I am usually so sappy and emotional and somehow for the past couple of months I have just been completely and utterly numb.

When we first decided to undertake this move I shed loads and loads of tears.  I cried so hard I didn’t know if the deep well of tears inside me would ever stop.  But somehow they did and I am left with this strange calmness.  I am so steeped in denial and I wonder when it will all hit me – because even in my ostrich-headed stage I know a crash is inevitable.  At some stage it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I have no idea how I will cope.

So for now I am numb.  I am in the eye of the storm, and I hope that when the storm hits I will be able to survive the fallout.


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