Monthly Archives: February 2013

Waiting as a form of torture

I am waiting for my CVS results to come in (they should be coming in today) and the wait is pure torture. Even though the hospital said they were likely to come in today I was for some reason convince they’d come in yesterday and spent the entire day by the phone, paralysed with fear. They did not come and now today is a repeat of the same thing.

I am utterly useless at the moment – distracted, jumpy, fidgety. I want to know because this is killing me…but I also really really don’t want to know because then I will have to deal with whatever reality I am given.

As a self confessed control freak it devastates me that this is out of my hands now- my baby’s well being is being decided by fates that are completely put of control. Will they call and tell me baby has some fatal chromosomal disorder that cannot be survived?? Or that everything seems fine so far and I just have to wait and see?

This is complete torture. This is so not how it is supposed to be ūüė¶

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UnPregnant?!

At the moment I’m living in limbo, in a strange kind of un-pregnant state where I know academically that I am still pregnant yet emotionally my heart is trying so hard to detach from it all. ¬†Of course then I feel guilty for detaching when we don’t know what we’re dealing with so I consciously try to engage which results in me feeling like a fraud for indulging in feeling ‘pregnant’ when in all likelyhood my pregnancy is limping along on spaghetti legs and will soon no longer be a term I can use to describe myself.

In the past few weeks my stomach has started bloating by the end of the day and it used to excite me. ¬†It wasn’t baby bump yet but it was a good indication that it was being worked on. ¬†Often my hands would stray to my belly and I’d smile absent-mindedly picturing the real bump that would no doubt be in attendance soon. ¬†Now those realisations are met with a sharp stab of pain as I realise that soon my belly will quite likely be emptier than ever. ¬†Too soon.

I know it sounds depressing and defeatist and awful but if nothing else I am practical – I am realistic and the numbers don’t lie. ¬†Yes there are positive stories out there – miracles about babies with a 9mm NT measurement that were born normal and perfect. ¬†But I am also aware that these stories were worth talking about because they WERE miracles. ¬†By far the norm is that most babies with high measurements like ours either never survived, or did survive to live very difficult lies.

Our bloods came back and sadly we were not able to get a result just from the bloods themselves. ¬†All the numbers – bloods, NT measurement, my age and everything were thrown into a mixing pot and ultimately we were told our risk of Downs Syndrome is 1:35 which maybe doesn’t sound too terrible until you realise that I am 32 years old with a history of 2 healthy previous pregnancies. ¬†My stats with Caeli and Jamie were something like 1:5000 and and 1:6700 so 1:35 is pretty darn bad! ¬†Worse even our risk for Trisonomy 18 (a chromosomal disorder which is dubbed ‘non compatible with life’) is 1:6. ¬†ONE in SIX!!!!

Our CVS appointment is tomorrow at 11am GMT. ¬†As the whole procedure is scan guided I assume (and hope) that they will remeasure the NT just to see what’s happened there in the past 6 days. ¬†As someone that is usually a tireless optimist it is strange that I am conversely convinced that as soon as they scan me they will see that the baby has died already. ¬†I can’t think what’s causing this but the night after we received the news I just suddenly had a jolt where I thought “that was it. ¬†The baby is gone.” ¬†And since then I am finding it very hard to be positive or believe that anything good could come of this. ¬†It’s unlike me and it’s strange, but I do assume that maybe it is just a coping mechanism – a way for me to prepare for the worst even though deep down in my heart of hearts I am still hoping for the best.

If you are reading this then please send some positive thoughts my way, I will update as soon as I can.

Devastating news.

Maybe largely due to the fact that we have been so incredibly busy and distracted since I found out about this pregnancy, I have really struggled with the idea of it. ¬†Since the day I found out I have kept saying to people that something doesn’t feel quite right, and “we’ll see how it goes” kind of thing. ¬†It’s strange for me because with my daughter and my son I was excited and embraced the experience from the word go, and I can’t put my finger on it but this time something felt very wrong and I was very hesitant to invest myself too emotionally.

In the last couple of weeks I started seeing midwives and things regarding my pregnancy and told myself it was time to get connected and excited to really bond and focus – this is happening! ¬†But still in the back of my mind something didn’t feel right and I felt crazy and silly and ridiculous but something just didn’t feel right.

Yesterday my 12 week scan rolled around and I was terrified.  Terrified that the baby would be dead, or have just strangely disappeared Рnot sure exactly of what but so very scared although excited too.

When the sonographer started the scan my heart leapt with joy, there was our beautiful baby bundle kicking, moving and wriggling around, the heart was going and all looked well. My heart surged and for the first time I thought “Maybe I’ve been wrong! Maybe everything really IS going to be okay”.

A minute later the sonographer started taking measurements of the nuchal fluid as we had requested all screening tests to be done. ¬†I immediately became nervous and thought “oh oh, that looks big”. ¬†They generally like your score to be 2mm or lower, the lower the better, but it shouldn’t be above 3. ¬†Ours was 8 ūüė¶ ūüė¶

The staff at the hospital were lovely.  They took us into a private room and talked numbers and statistics with us.  They did heaps of blood draws for all sorts of things and want me back in a couple of days to look at the blood results.  In the meantime they are also booking me a flight and appointments in Liverpool to go and have the CVS procedure done to see exactly what it is that we are dealing with.

We are devastated to say the least. ¬†This baby was not planned but was so wanted, and as much as I felt something was wrong it has still come as a huge, huge shock. ¬†Whatever I was expecting it certainly wasn’t this.

Along with our awful news comes a lot of very painful waiting, poking, prodding and more waiting, but we can only ¬†hope and pray that our baby is in fact okay. ¬†At the moment statistically speaking my chance of having a normal baby is a good few percent lower than my chance of just miscarrying naturally from extreme defects and abnormalities, which is rather terrifying…but for now we’ll just have to take it day by day and see how things go.

Keep us in your thoughts.