Maybe largely due to the fact that we have been so incredibly busy and distracted since I found out about this pregnancy, I have really struggled with the idea of it. Since the day I found out I have kept saying to people that something doesn’t feel quite right, and “we’ll see how it goes” kind of thing. It’s strange for me because with my daughter and my son I was excited and embraced the experience from the word go, and I can’t put my finger on it but this time something felt very wrong and I was very hesitant to invest myself too emotionally.
In the last couple of weeks I started seeing midwives and things regarding my pregnancy and told myself it was time to get connected and excited to really bond and focus – this is happening! But still in the back of my mind something didn’t feel right and I felt crazy and silly and ridiculous but something just didn’t feel right.
Yesterday my 12 week scan rolled around and I was terrified. Terrified that the baby would be dead, or have just strangely disappeared – not sure exactly of what but so very scared although excited too.
When the sonographer started the scan my heart leapt with joy, there was our beautiful baby bundle kicking, moving and wriggling around, the heart was going and all looked well. My heart surged and for the first time I thought “Maybe I’ve been wrong! Maybe everything really IS going to be okay”.
A minute later the sonographer started taking measurements of the nuchal fluid as we had requested all screening tests to be done. I immediately became nervous and thought “oh oh, that looks big”. They generally like your score to be 2mm or lower, the lower the better, but it shouldn’t be above 3. Ours was 8 😦 😦
The staff at the hospital were lovely. They took us into a private room and talked numbers and statistics with us. They did heaps of blood draws for all sorts of things and want me back in a couple of days to look at the blood results. In the meantime they are also booking me a flight and appointments in Liverpool to go and have the CVS procedure done to see exactly what it is that we are dealing with.
We are devastated to say the least. This baby was not planned but was so wanted, and as much as I felt something was wrong it has still come as a huge, huge shock. Whatever I was expecting it certainly wasn’t this.
Along with our awful news comes a lot of very painful waiting, poking, prodding and more waiting, but we can only hope and pray that our baby is in fact okay. At the moment statistically speaking my chance of having a normal baby is a good few percent lower than my chance of just miscarrying naturally from extreme defects and abnormalities, which is rather terrifying…but for now we’ll just have to take it day by day and see how things go.
Keep us in your thoughts.