At the moment I’m living in limbo, in a strange kind of un-pregnant state where I know academically that I am still pregnant yet emotionally my heart is trying so hard to detach from it all. Of course then I feel guilty for detaching when we don’t know what we’re dealing with so I consciously try to engage which results in me feeling like a fraud for indulging in feeling ‘pregnant’ when in all likelyhood my pregnancy is limping along on spaghetti legs and will soon no longer be a term I can use to describe myself.
In the past few weeks my stomach has started bloating by the end of the day and it used to excite me. It wasn’t baby bump yet but it was a good indication that it was being worked on. Often my hands would stray to my belly and I’d smile absent-mindedly picturing the real bump that would no doubt be in attendance soon. Now those realisations are met with a sharp stab of pain as I realise that soon my belly will quite likely be emptier than ever. Too soon.
I know it sounds depressing and defeatist and awful but if nothing else I am practical – I am realistic and the numbers don’t lie. Yes there are positive stories out there – miracles about babies with a 9mm NT measurement that were born normal and perfect. But I am also aware that these stories were worth talking about because they WERE miracles. By far the norm is that most babies with high measurements like ours either never survived, or did survive to live very difficult lies.
Our bloods came back and sadly we were not able to get a result just from the bloods themselves. All the numbers – bloods, NT measurement, my age and everything were thrown into a mixing pot and ultimately we were told our risk of Downs Syndrome is 1:35 which maybe doesn’t sound too terrible until you realise that I am 32 years old with a history of 2 healthy previous pregnancies. My stats with Caeli and Jamie were something like 1:5000 and and 1:6700 so 1:35 is pretty darn bad! Worse even our risk for Trisonomy 18 (a chromosomal disorder which is dubbed ‘non compatible with life’) is 1:6. ONE in SIX!!!!
Our CVS appointment is tomorrow at 11am GMT. As the whole procedure is scan guided I assume (and hope) that they will remeasure the NT just to see what’s happened there in the past 6 days. As someone that is usually a tireless optimist it is strange that I am conversely convinced that as soon as they scan me they will see that the baby has died already. I can’t think what’s causing this but the night after we received the news I just suddenly had a jolt where I thought “that was it. The baby is gone.” And since then I am finding it very hard to be positive or believe that anything good could come of this. It’s unlike me and it’s strange, but I do assume that maybe it is just a coping mechanism – a way for me to prepare for the worst even though deep down in my heart of hearts I am still hoping for the best.
If you are reading this then please send some positive thoughts my way, I will update as soon as I can.