Waiting as a form of torture

I am waiting for my CVS results to come in (they should be coming in today) and the wait is pure torture. Even though the hospital said they were likely to come in today I was for some reason convince they’d come in yesterday and spent the entire day by the phone, paralysed with fear. They did not come and now today is a repeat of the same thing.

I am utterly useless at the moment – distracted, jumpy, fidgety. I want to know because this is killing me…but I also really really don’t want to know because then I will have to deal with whatever reality I am given.

As a self confessed control freak it devastates me that this is out of my hands now- my baby’s well being is being decided by fates that are completely put of control. Will they call and tell me baby has some fatal chromosomal disorder that cannot be survived?? Or that everything seems fine so far and I just have to wait and see?

This is complete torture. This is so not how it is supposed to be 😦


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